9 habits of grandparents who create unbreakable bonds with their grandchildren

I’ve noticed something watching my own grandparents over the years—they have this almost magical ability to make you feel like you’re the most important person in the room. Not because they’re doing anything flashy or over-the-top. It’s the quiet, consistent little things they do that make the difference.

The grandchildren of these people seem to light up differently when talking about them. There’s this loyalty, this warmth that goes deeper than just obligation. I started paying attention to what made some grandparent-grandchild relationships feel unshakeable while others felt more distant, and I realized it wasn’t about money or fancy trips. It was about intentional presence and a kind of emotional attunement that most of us never really talk about.

If you’re a grandparent wondering how to deepen your connection with your grandchildren, or even if you’re curious about what your own grandparents did right—there’s actually science behind why certain habits create those bonds that last a lifetime. Here’s what I’ve found.

1. They show up without an agenda

There’s something powerful about someone who visits just to be with you, not to fix anything or teach you a lesson or check something off their to-do list.

I watched my grandmother sit with my cousin for hours while he built something with Lego. She didn’t direct it. She didn’t suggest improvements. She just… sat there, genuinely interested in what he was creating.

That kind of unconditional presence is rare these days. Psychologists call this “attentive listening,” and it’s one of the most foundational elements of secure attachment. When a grandchild feels like an adult is genuinely interested in them—not performing interest, but actually curious—something shifts internally.

Kids recognize the difference. They can feel when you’re checking your phone mentally, even if your body is in the room. Grandparents who build strong bonds? They’re fully there.

2. They remember the small details

It’s not about remembering birthdays. Everyone remembers birthdays.

I’m talking about the grandparent who recalls that their granddaughter mentioned liking a specific artist three months ago, and then shows up with a small print of that artist’s work. Or the one who remembers their grandson said he was nervous about a math test and asks specifically how that test went.

Memory as love language—that’s what this is. When someone remembers what matters to you, it sends a message that you matter. Developmental psychologists have found that children who feel genuinely “known” by their elders develop stronger self-esteem and deeper trust.

My friend’s grandfather used to keep a little notebook where he’d jot down things the grandkids mentioned in conversation. Nothing elaborate. Just details. When he’d reference something from months back, the kids felt seen in a way that money could never buy.

3. They create their own traditions

Every grandparent has traditions with their grandchildren. The specific ones don’t matter as much as the consistency.

I’ve seen everything from “pancake Sundays” to “garden days” to “rainy afternoon movie marathons with homemade popcorn.” The details are personal, but the pattern is always the same: something repeated, something anticipated, something that belongs to just the two of them.

Research in family psychology shows that shared rituals create a sense of belonging and continuity. They give children something to look forward to and anchor them emotionally to the relationship.

What matters is that these traditions are non-negotiable to the grandparent. Not something they do “if they have time.” But a commitment that signals: you are worth my time, consistently.

Related: 7 ways to deepen family connections that last through the generations

4. They ask real questions—and listen to the answers

There’s a difference between “How was school?” and “What was the most interesting thing that happened today?” or better yet, “Tell me about something that made you laugh.”

The first question is surface-level. Kids give one-word answers and move on.

The second kind of question—the one that invites real conversation—shows that you care about their inner world, not just their external accomplishments.

Grandparents who build strong bonds ask about feelings, ideas, and observations. They create space for real conversation. And then—this is the hard part—they actually listen. They don’t interrupt with a story about themselves. They don’t immediately offer advice.

“Children remember how we made them feel, not what we taught them.” – Psychologist Daniel Goleman on emotional connection

That quality of genuine curiosity combined with patient listening creates a safe space where grandchildren feel their thoughts and feelings matter. It’s therapeutic, almost, in the best way.

5. They set boundaries with love

Here’s something that surprised me: the grandparents with the strongest relationships aren’t the permissive ones.

They’re the ones who say “no” when they mean no, but they say it kindly. They don’t spoil to stay relevant. They don’t avoid conflict to avoid disappointment.

I know a grandmother who absolutely loves her granddaughter, but when the girl was demanding and rude during a visit, the grandmother said, “I love you very much, and I also notice you’re being unkind to me right now. Let’s take a break and try again.”

That’s not harsh. That’s actually an act of love.

Attachment researchers have found that children feel safer with adults who maintain consistent boundaries. It paradoxically deepens trust. When a grandchild knows an adult cares enough to redirect behavior, to maintain standards, it communicates that the relationship is genuine and not transactional.

Permissiveness can feel like indifference. Boundaries feel like care.

6. They validate emotions without trying to fix them

A grandchild is upset. Instead of immediately jumping to “don’t be sad” or “here’s how to fix this,” the best grandparents sit with the emotion first.

“That sounds really hard.” “I can see why that hurt you.” “You’re allowed to feel upset about that.”

Then, maybe later, they offer perspective or solutions. But not in the heat of the emotion.

This is what psychologists call emotional validation, and it’s foundational to secure attachment. Kids who grow up with adults who validate their feelings develop better emotional regulation and higher self-worth.

My grandfather would do this thing where if I was upset, he’d just nod and say, “Yeah, I’d feel the same way.” He wasn’t minimizing. He was meeting me where I was.

7. They share their own stories selectively

The best grandparents don’t make everything about themselves, but they do strategically share stories that help their grandchildren understand them as real people.

Stories about mistakes they made. Times they were scared or uncertain. Moments they learned something hard.

This serves two purposes: it shows that struggle is part of being human, and it makes the grandparent feel more relatable and less like an authority figure on a pedestal.

I watched my grandmother tell my cousin about a time she failed at something she cared about, and then how she eventually found her way. The cousin felt less alone in his own struggles. The story created intergenerational connection.

Researchers in narrative psychology have found that when older people share their vulnerabilities appropriately, it deepens emotional bonds and helps younger people feel permission to be imperfect too.

8. They celebrate who the grandchild actually is, not who they wish them to be

This is big.

I’ve seen relationships crack because a grandparent was constantly suggesting changes: different career path, different style, different personality. It’s subtle, but kids feel it.

The grandparents with unshakeable bonds celebrate their grandchildren’s quirks, their interests, even their differences. If a granddaughter loves art instead of sports, or a grandson is shy instead of outgoing, these grandparents don’t subtly push against it.

They say things like: “I love how creative you are” or “You know, some of the most interesting people I know are introverted.”

Unconditional acceptance is powerful. Developmental psychologists have extensively documented that children who feel accepted for who they are—not conditionally approved—develop stronger self-worth and deeper trust in close relationships.

9. They stay curious about their grandchild’s world

As grandchildren get older, their worlds become different from their grandparents’. Music changes. Technology changes. Values might shift.

The grandparents who maintain strong bonds don’t dismiss these changes or resist them. They get curious instead.

My friend’s grandmother asked him to teach her about the video game he loved. She didn’t pretend to be an expert. She just asked genuine questions and was genuinely interested in understanding why it mattered to him.

That curiosity communicated: “Your world is worth understanding. You are worth understanding.”

Research in intergenerational studies shows that when older adults remain open and curious about younger generations’ experiences, it prevents the generational distance from becoming a relational distance. The bond stays alive.

Bottom line

What struck me most when observing these kinds of relationships is that none of it requires perfection or extraordinary effort. It requires intention.

Grandparents who build indestructible bonds with their grandchildren aren’t doing anything magical. They’re showing up consistently. They’re paying attention. They’re making their grandchildren feel genuinely seen and valued.

If you’re a grandparent, these habits might already feel familiar to you—and if so, your grandchildren are lucky. If you’re looking to deepen your relationships, start with one. Show up with full presence. Ask a real question. Remember a detail. The rest builds from there.